


go on

by superglasspiano



Series: something about love, regret, and maybe forgiveness [4]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Based on a song, Problems, i don’t know
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-06
Updated: 2018-12-06
Packaged: 2019-09-13 02:02:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,106
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16883514
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/superglasspiano/pseuds/superglasspiano
Summary: Go on, just go on. There’s still so many things I wanna say to you, but go on, just go on….





	1. Chapter 1

_ “….So if you decide to go….don’t expect me to be here when you get back. I’ve got a class to teach.”  _

This is one time to many. One mission too many. One  _ I’ve begged you not to go and you still won’t listen to me _ too many. Adam can’t take it anymore. He slings his bag onto his shoulder and walks away. Out of the room. 

He leans against the wall and sighs. He should go, really. It’s what he said he was doing. And he doesn’t want to keep his class waiting. 

He’s not thinking about the other things he said as he walks to his classroom. Not at all. He’ll deal with that later. 

Later comes halfway through class. He’s talking—teaching—and loses his train of thought entirely as it hits him and he just has to stop and lean against his desk because holy shit what did he say? He didn’t mean it—he’s always waited, every time, every mission he didn’t go on, since before they were together. He didn’t mean it. 

But Takashi can’t know that. Because Adam needs to know: what will he choose? He’s pretty sure he knows the answer, but…. It doesn’t matter. This is his dream. Adam won’t hold him back, no matter how much it hurts, no matter how many other reasons he suspects. 

“Sir, are you alright?” one of his students asks, looking concerned. 

He shakes himself. “Yeah, I’m fine, thanks. Now, what were we talking about?”

She tells him and he nods, trying to get back on track for even half an hour. 

A few days later, Adam watches the launch from the back of the crowd, hidden from the crew. He pretends not to notice Takashi scanning the onlookers for a familiar face. He definitely doesn’t almost push his way through to where they’re hugging their families goodbye, to where Sam and Matt embrace Katie and Colleen, where Keith—looking almost embarrassed to show emotion—quickly wraps his arms around his adoptive brother. Not at all. Part of him is screaming at him to move, to go up there, to take what might be his last chance. But he doesn’t. 

These are the choices they’ve made, and now all that’s left to do is live with them. He figures he may as well start now. 

Even when Keith finds him after the smoke from the launch has cleared and asks, “Where the hell were you?”

Adam just shrugs and tries to walk away. 

Keith catches his arm. “Seriously. He was looking for you.”

Adam shakes his head. “I don’t know.”

“What don’t you know?”

Adam sighs. “Anything.”

This time, Keith lets him go, looking just as confused as Adam feels—though if his stomach is twisting the same way Adam’s is, it doesn’t show in his face. 

The first time Adam was ever on an airplane was when he flew to Brazil to visit an aunt. He was maybe six years old, and the thought of the flight terrified him. Even then, he knew that when planes crash, hardly anyone makes it out alive. Still, he didn’t really have a choice in the matter, despite his insistence that people were meant to stay firmly on the ground. 

It was, unfortunately, a turbulent flight, and the whole while he couldn’t help but think of what might happen, how the plane might go down and they all might die. He had a death grip on the armrests. Every patch of turbulence was surely the end. He didn’t dare look out the window. 

But they landed without incident, and when the second flight began, Adam allowed himself to relax enough to really  _ feel _ the sensation of liftoff, of being in the sky. To his surprise, it was almost...fun? It was fun to be so high up above the world, to watch the ground far below turn into the great blue expanse of the ocean. And when the plane flew higher, above the clouds, he watched the fluffy white shapes with something akin to wonderment. The entire time he was at his aunt's house, he couldn’t wait to go home—not out of homesickness, but of a desire to fly again. 

He hasn’t been afraid since. And although he’s come across some pretty sketchy patches here and there, it was never anything he couldn’t handle; and he’s never been in a crash. 

Still, the utter terror he felt the first time the plane swooped up and down uncontrollably—that gut-wrenching, heart pounding, what if I die feeling—isn’t something he could ever forget. 

He wishes he never learned the feeling can exist in other contexts too. Like the fear of this not being the right thing, and realizing it hours too late, which is somehow worse than any rough flight—maybe because the flight at least he had no control over, while this….this was his choice, and he can’t help but wonder if he made the right one. 

And he knows that whether he’s right or wrong, there’s nothing he can do about it now. Nothing except hope Takashi comes home again. 

Of course he’ll be waiting. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> just a little conversation that could've/should've happened at some point

Adam can’t do this anymore. Can’t take the waiting, the wondering, the fear. The knowledge that one day he won’t come back.  _ We’re going down different paths. We don’t want the same things. I want you, but you….you want the stars. _

 

The stars are only part of it. The other part is you watching me die. I can’t put you through that.

 

I can take it. Just….stay.

 

Maybe you can, but I can’t! I’m going to die. I won’t—I can’t—

 

I want to spend a lifetime with you. A hundred lifetimes.

 

A regular lifetime, or one of mine?

 

I wouldn’t dream of spending one with anyone else. I’ll stay with you to—

 

Don’t say it. Please. 

 

_ To the end _

 

Heart breaking because this is what he wanted, for Adam to move on, to not watch him die, but it still hurts, as he knew it would—but he’ll take it; what other choice does he have? To let the one he loves see him grow steadily worse? To let him watch him die? To have to bury him? He knows he’s not going to last forever. Maybe he can make his last years count—toward the future, toward letting others get out there in space. He’ll go farther than anyone has before, so someday some kid somewhere can break that record again. This is what he wants, what he’s always wanted. He just never thought there’d be someone he wants just as much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this doesn't really make sense, but........

**Author's Note:**

> What do you think? ;)


End file.
